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Saturday, February 16, 2019. 

Wife of Salvador DeMondo: Her memoirs

Foreword 

Looking over used goods at a thrift store, I chanced upon this diary of sorts and saw a pile of old papers in a hidden compartment of a very antique chest of drawers which I eventually bought. (I had one exactly like it so I knew to look for hidden spaces in the older furniture like I had in my other houses.) There was nowhere I could trace it to its rightful owner. Some were drawings as if done by children with crayon scribblings done attractively all over the page. My heart says she will enjoy some fresh air if these memoirs saw the light of day.

As I read through the pages I remember my own children. I would treat them with respect and lift them up to the heavens as an offering to the Lord that I was given the opportunity to love them. 

Sylvanna, wherever you are, Io ti saluto!

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Dedication page

This is for my precious children . . .and all the wives and children of the world.

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(Beginning of the Memoir))

Prologue

In my life experience, it is a dynamic among most marginalized parents to spit out as many children as their loins can muster. They don't think when they procreate. When it is time to send the children to school, the parents tell the oldest to finish school, earn and give most of the money (to the parents) he/she makes to be spent on the younger siblings. In the mean time, if the oldest wants to pursue advanced studies or wants to do something with his life, he/she will be hard pressed. In most families, after the father is "done" siring his progeny, he stays "home," gets on with his life and waits for the oldest to be old enough to work. The mother who mostly deals with the children builds this relationship with the oldest where she treats him as if he is the "savior" of the family. The father becomes a side player, one of the worker bees having impregnated the Queen Bee. He would claim would later claim he is done with "babysitting" BUT silently maintains power over the family.

The oldest child would go on to help the parents because it is what he /she "woke" up to or grew up with. The parents peg this oldest child's behavior as being “very helpful and thoughtful” of their younger siblings. The oldest, in essence, becomes the savior of their family. Refer all questions to the eldest. Call the eldest, collect, if you have problems. Wake up the eldest if there is something you don't understand. Ask money from the eldest if you need money for school. . . The eldest seems to be the center of solutions and restoration.

The foregoing would have been great in an economy which has no educational loans where kids graduate debt free. But facing reality, it isn't! Why don’t the parents earn additional income while they are still healthy and not RELY on their children to send younger siblings to school? What happened to parents modeling being industrious, hardworking and answering to the responsibilities and call of parenthood? Why aren't the parents infusing values of perseverance instead of them being in the wretched image of poverty from which there is no tomorrow?  Why don't the parents work two jobs the same way Americans do?  

Okay if the parents are sickly or disabled and cannot earn money on their own but  . . .THIS IS A VERY SICK DYNAMIC. Even the children in that marriage swim in it and act like everything is normal. I am not aware, at the time of this writing, of any journals or studies geared in this direction.  I am not aware of any sociological or anthropological document that has sifted, chewed on and discussed this dynamic but it is something that has created a knot in my stomach and has remained a pea pod in my bed.   

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You will know that I am a one fourth Italian, part Spanish, part Filipino from my mother. I was born and raised in Cebu, Philippines, and moved to Wisconsin from Illinois. The whereabouts of my in-laws and their identities are spun in a fog but you can deduce from the story. What is important is my memoirs are told. 

 

We shall refer to my father-in-law as E. Buddy is my husband. Buddy is Salvador's nickname. Salvador has been referred to by his mother as savior of their world. Their - as in the whole family which consists of mother, father, aunts and uncles who live with them. I always asked "why doesn't the rest of their family think?" A family structure pretty much like the Tibetans where the whole family stays together even after marriage. Buddy's mom saw him as their thinker, their financier, their money guy. It is as if every time they had a problem, the whole town sat around him and listened to him hook, line and sinker.  His father was very much around but she talked in terms of "Let's ask Buddy .....," "we have to let Buddy know......," "Leave that chicken drumstick for Buddy." Hence the name, Salvador DeMondo. I talk about the mentioned years as they have bearing on me, and later on, Buddy.

Buddy's mother was a simple woman but complex in that she could wreak havoc on your life if you did not know any better. She had beautiful dark brown eyes, dark olive skin and smiled or laughed at anything warranting it. She also spoke with a loud voice that sounded as if it had metallic ring to it just like she were an auctioneer. Yes, that's the word. I found out later on that her that loud voice was because she had to talk loud since she lost her hearing in one ear after having been hit on the head by E. He got so irate with her when she stood in the way of his womanizing. 

After the beating she got from him, she just straightened the chairs that she fell on after losing her balance, washed her face where E's hand hit her and continued with what she had to do for the day. There were more incidents like that which Buddy stated he and rest of his brothers and sisters witnessed. Is it not that witnessing an abuse or beating makes an observer also a victim? In those days, there was no going to the ER, no reporting to the police, no contacting a shelter, no filing for divorce. Buddy told me about  the incident matter-of-factly . . . .

What I know about them from Buddy is that his parents lived together without benefit of marriage.They begot nine children - Salvador, Sanfred, Sardis, Saronni, Serita, Samarie, Sarollo, Sam, and Sandy. Buddy stated they lived in a two bedroom, one bathroom house when his father worked as a security guard and his mother worked from home selling home-made goods and selling them to the offices with her children hawking them, rain or shine. I understand she was a tremendously good cook. Buddy told me how the children laughed cajoling the mother when she could not speak Tagalog for which she went to college. They would have had more money if she taught, they said. 

So start these pages . . . 

1961 I was having clean fun with my men friends and female friends. I had no attachments with any one of the men although most considered themselves wanting to be close to me. At a time when a girl is still in school and plans to finish college, I felt as free as the wind and I took care of myself when it came to a man-woman relationship having been born and bred in the Catholic faith. I had a set of friends with whom my parents were familiar. Fred, an older 27-year old Spanish-Portuguese businessman had become a close friend of mine.

I believed, I still do, that circulating around single guys was the way to a social life devoid of the claws of jealous wives. Plus, I have this inner code in me to never break a home. And God's heart.

1962 Al and Griffin were about two years my senior. Griffin was an upper class man of mine in nursing school who was so protective of me. He very often joined us for dinner when he came around to see Noel my cousin, who is from the USN. I felt a displacement of my mandible just being around them laughing. Laughter really did fill our house. My parents delighted at the thought of having them joins us be it a card game, dinner or a TV show.
 
I went to attend classes at the local college three days week lumping all my classes into Monday Wednesday Friday schedules and concentrating Tuesdays Thursdays Saturdays for research and reading. That way I figured my dad would only have to drive me three days a week. It saved him gas money. Not that I don't think of the Lord on other days of the week but Sundays would be the day for the Lord at Mass, room cleanup and a day of rest.That's how I figured my schedule. Plus a movie, if there were good ones, with the allowance Mom gave me every week. Not to be overlooked, I also had women friends like Helen, Mercedes, Cynthia, Cookie etc. In the Philippines we did not hold jobs like the kids do in the United States. We were pensionados then, meaning receiving regular free money!

1963 I was sickly this year. My parents brought me to the hospital right away because I had this stomach ache that would not go away. Having thrown up and not having eaten, I was hooked up to IV fluids all day. Dr. Mel was my resident intern at that time. Being a great conversationalist that he was, he and I talked for hours in my room when he was off duty. I had close medical attention then. Mel could talk about any topic under the sun, he could very well entertain his patients. My father, still from the old culture, got huffy with my talking to Mel a lot and more so when Mel came to visit me at home. For me meeting at home is safer and cheaper than going out on a date.  

I was in my second year of nursing school so I was in the thick of nursing theory and research class. I had known Bill as this young graduate who was handling his family's agri-business. He had a gentle way about him and had a really nice solid voice. And good looking, too. What I remember about him now is that he is Catholic, an only son, a young engineer and businessman who was devoted to his career. I also recall him going with me to my mother's office at the City Library where she was City Librarian, wanting to ask her informally about marrying me. Well, Bill, in our culture, we don't ask to marry someone in an office; we do it at her home. We had known each other close to a year and I noticed he was getting serious and had wanted to marry me right after I graduated. That is a long way off, Bill, and besides we don't know each other that well. Just a year of being friends.

1964 Rene was the whole package - really good looking, clean, well-educated, wholesome and came from a good family. I always put a premium on learning and pursuing the highest level of education. His mother and father were happily married, his sisters were in college, they had money. Period. He came home from Ontario one time and kissed me hard as we were in the cab as he was telling me he came to ask my parents for my hand in marriage. We were just close friends. I want to tell you three things, Rene: One - Our culture is such that we don't kiss until we are married. Two - You cannot marry me and bring me home with you to Ontario because we are not engaged. Three - Easy to say but we had very little time to plan a wedding. And I wasn't ready to get married. End of topic.

Mark was the guy my father mentored. My father did not know Mark and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I wanted to try having a boyfriend on the surface to see how it fit with nursing school and also because I never had boyfriend. I figured I'll try Mark. He is harmless, my father knows him very well, I just won't go anywhere with him. Mark was a mild-mannered, lanky, soft spoken new-life kind of guy. We never went out but stayed out of the radar of my father.

1965  I met Ernie at the college of nursing while I was on duty. He was there on official business. All at the same time, while Mark and Ernie, were still around, a budding relationship with Ebb mushroomed aggressively. He was a law student, a commissioned reserve officer of the Navy and was fast on his way up.

Single and already of age, he knew what he wanted from life. His father was an army general who had a stern and quiet way about him. His mother was a take-charge kind of lady of the house who always had a cheerful way of talking to people. You could tell her family of seven boys and two girls were happy to be in her home. We had some wonderful conversations together. I learned that aside from being an army general's wife, she also had her real estate business. I learned later from Ebb that she had put aside a carefully wrapped matrimonial bed when "Ebb and you decide it is time to marry." Being just around them, I could sense this family was well educated, well provided for and well-mannered. 

Ebb's family obviously were in the upper echelon in our society. I learned a lot of things from what Ebb relayed to me - that he was a favorite of his mother, she went to church several days of the week, that she called me a certain endearment equivalent to "sweetheart" or "honey." Delicious! It was a very nice gesture yet Ebb and I did not abuse our privilege. I could tell he had been talking to his mother about marrying me as he had also one time broached the idea of us getting by with some income that would be coming from the property that his mother would later subdivide among the children. Much later, I found out they owned a good stretch of real estate along a well located block which now features as one of the top arcades in my city.

There was no whiff of me having to work at all if I married him which he wanted to do even before I was through with college. He stated he was going to see to it that I graduate. He was also nine years my senior, had a jealous streak that was really scary. I was not sure I would feel comfortable being his wife. When Ebb asked my parents if he could marry me they said, in not so many words, it was not time. My father had questions like: Was Sylvanna going to be a young widow being married to Ebb whose assignment was in the dangerous situation of Southern Philippines? Would Sylvanna be able to finish college since having a baby is inevitable? My dad always thought out extreme situations. That is why he is a great dad!

I really had to finish my studies first. There was hum time between Ebb and me and, certainly no closure, after he received no approval from my father. I kept his giant Navy ring, his Navy and graduation certificates, his table decor ensemble. This ensemble, which he had his men do, is a beautiful metal emblem of the Philippine Navy with his name and mine emblazoned and cut from the huge scud shells they used in training.

At this time I had taken hula and Tahitian dancing which was meant to limber me up at the same time augment my love of music with drums. Dancing had brought me places and made me meet people. I was invited to dance in several events all the way to my mother's library convention. It also give me a way of expressing myself in a very personal way, leading me with its rhythmic moves, speaking in its spiritual, inner healing way  . . . Sylvanna . . . you are beautiful . . .yes, you are . . .

Ernie kept communicating with me. I knew he continued working as an engineer and was labor relations reviewer of their company. Yes, I admit he and I became boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time, Mark and Ebb also were. Mea culpa? I never went out with any of them. . . . there was no way one of them would know about the other. Like I said, they were all in different planes of my life. None of them knew one another, they were all from different places, schools and places in society. If you plot my friendships with them, you will probably spot many intersections of time. 

I haven't answered Ernie's letters which came steadily into the nursing office and onto our dorm. The last I knew was he came to visit me at the college but I preferred to maintain my silence even without closure between him and me. Ernie, I silently apologize for three-timing you. Naughty?, Yes, I was! At that time, I was not aware of the hurt I can give to people who had feelings for me. So was it with Edgar, the engineer, who had become a close friend of the family's but I noticed he had feelings for me and was taking it slow.

Of course, there were several other relationships on the side; I have chosen to omit them.  

Yes, I did play the field. Far and wide and deep. But, I never went against my father's wishes.

1966 In March, I  graduated from the nursing college. Buddy saw me dance as a guest performer at the Casino Espanol de Cebu. One of my past times was hula and Tahitian dancing which brought me places and invitations through our dance troupe. I practiced six months of Public Health Nursing in a small town of Cebu and he worked as plant engineer at a fertilizer company north of Cebu; we hit it off. He would visit me in Balamban, Cebu, a 30-minute bus ride north of where he worked. During a weekend when we attended the town festivals with the other health care professionals of the area, a doctor whom we shall call Cesar told Buddy he really liked me. Cesar did not know Buddy and I were going steady at that time. I am one who does not believe in closure of a relationship unless children or legalities are involved. I had really been avoiding Ebb and this time I was "exploring" Buddy . . .

Something about Buddy which I really liked, but can't put my finger on it. Of course, it may have been the way he looked, dark curly hair, hairy arms, legs and chest, talked intelligently, made me laugh . . . He was pursuing his Masters. I was already a Registered Nurse. And we could talk for hours about architecture, money situation with the IMF and the World Bank, different accents, foods of the word, travel . . you name it.  

With my job as District Nurse, it was customary for me and my office mates to go to Church every Wednesday and Saturday and, if possible, every Friday after work. I used to take public transportation to church and E's place of work was along the way where Buddy's mother would hang around in the afternoons. Upon seeing me, his mother followed me on more than one occasion, that I know of, as I passed by. (She told me all this after Buddy and I were married when she visited us ion our apartment for a week.) I did not know she saw me; did not know how she knew me but later on said she followed me wherever in the city I went. I was walking to Church minding my own business! Cebu, pretty much like downtown Paris, is a walk-to kind of place.

Buddy went on to pursue his MBA in Manila. I didn't know his parents were at his heels asking for money for his brothers and sisters, his father worked just one job with a small pay that he probably brought home after he spent it on drinking. I say one job, because where I am from and how many kids he had, I would have to say he did need more than one job. His wife did not work and with children approaching the parents for tuition money, fare money, lunch money and clothes . . . I guess they both probably gave up on more money and hoped - yes, hoped - they could get money from their already earning children. That was were I was blindsided.

I also recall his mother would not dare cross his father after she had sustained deafness in one ear at his hand. His father was already drinking at that time. Entering an adult relationship, one has to have individuated from their family," says relationship therapist Carin Goldstein, creator of BeTheSmartWife.com. "If you still feel too tied to expectations, their judgments and critical thoughts make it impossible to have an intimate relationship."

1967 My parents never pushed to me to find work. My parents never expected me to give them back what they spent on me. I landed a fine job, as Company Nurse, at a leading car maker company about ten minutes by public transportation. As District Nurse, I performed treatments on injured employees and dispensed over-the-counter medications supervised by our company physician. I also put together a monthly illness report. On my down time, I helped Ellen, who later became my best friend, generate service department reports. This was where I met Wilo, our finance director, with whom I developed an office friendship. We later went out to church after work on Wednesdays and Fridays and movies after Mass. It was a healthy relationship, I would dare say.

During a company outing, I recall Rene showing up. Yes, showing up from from Ontario, Canada! I don't know how he knew we were there. Rene, as a reminder, was a senior high school schoolmate who developed a relationship with me in college. Well, Rene shows up and I introduce both of them . . . . What do you know! Wilo issues a what-is-going-on-here-I-don't like-this-at-all grunt, hidden-cry-groan totally undecipherable sound from his manly throat that to this day I couldn't understand what it was about. The next day at work Wilo was very awkward. I never asked him about it. He knew all along that Buddy who was officially my fiance, was in Manila to pursue his Masters.   

1968 I was working one afternoon when Buddy called me collect by long distance sobbing. He said he used all his money for long distance calls. He asked if our relationship was still on. He said I have not called him at all. I was of the opinion that I knew he was alright - he had money, he was in good health, he must have needed focus considering he was in a new program. In my family, we never bothered someone who was embarking on a new career in order to give that person space so he could get his bearings. We just did not have the drama that he saw himself in. He talked about his having "tulo" or a drip which is an infection of the penis consisting of dripping pus when urinating. He also confessed he had contact with a paid woman. Buddy, you have this infection, been in Manila a few weeks, really short of spending money and you still have the urge to spend your loins!! He must have been giddy being in a big, new city all by himself with a new found freedom of sorts.  It took me awhile to get over this very major disappointment with Buddy.  He could not tell his family about what happened to him because there was no way they could help him.


1969 Buddy told me about Mimi as if I was a drinking buddy of his and not a future spouse. He said he touched her in her private parts several times. I cannot go into the details of such a lewd and lascivious action. He called it "mushing" his hands in pleasure with Mimi's private parts. He has this habit of going with his friends then sneaking off to the more private parts of the house where he could partake in the juicier activities when he had small-talked the females beyond "hi," "this is a very nice house." 

Mind you, Buddy was good looking when he was younger, dark complected and sported a mustache which I hoped he would get rid off. He had a peculiar way of phoneticizing his letter "ls." His tongue would go to the right side of his upper teeth. He could not also roll his "rs" and spoke as if using the posterior vocal chords. Just like his mother. All these deficits seemed minor to me.  After knowing several men suitors, I thought seriously he was a functioning human being and I loved him then, I thought. Or so I thought . . ? . . . 
  
1970  One time Buddy came home to Cebu and I stated my uncle was coming to the U.S. so he was selling his car, among his other belongings.  As we were waiting for a cab to take us to the movies one afternoon, he blurted out, "I will buy you a car." I answered, "That's really nice of you. Thank you." I have noticed this about Buddy - he promises to do something for another person but he is really just thinking out loud. Where would he get the money to buy me a car when he was still financially struggling as a graduate student? And a family of origin to spend for?

I had to spend for all of our outings, movies, eat-outs. I did not expect him to buy me a car . . . He could not afford it. Looking back now, he must have felt so comfortable being my boyfriend that he did not have to think about where to get the money for weekend outings. We normally went to Mass, have sit-down meals, then a see a movie after which he proceeded to take me home. I lived with my parents who thought I could stay as long as I felt comfortable. They were just glad to have me home and they thought the same thing about my two brothers. I come from a hardworking family who sent their kids to school and did not ask for anything in return. Money was not a problem in this part of the world. 

My dad worked as an electronics engineer for the number one radio and TV network. He could work from home because of the nature of his job was such that he just needed to establish hook ups to air a radio show, his expertise. In a nutshell, he enjoyed working as radio station engineer, businessman, repairman, etc. and welcomed the money that came in. He just enjoyed doing what he did without the grumbling that was often heard from his brothers-in-law. On the side, he was a merchandise buyer and seller, repaired commercial and personal radio equipment and did anything he could earn from. AND he was a faithful husband at that. For some reason, they had a very blessed family. His mother and father-in-law so appreciated Gus' (my Dad) hard-working nature. My maternal grandparents had already put together assets they intended to leave to Gus and Linda; you can tell Gus was the favorite son-in-law. 

In the middle of this year. Buddy states he gave money to a singer whom, he said, was having an abortion. He said the word abortion as easy as it was to say 1-2-3. She was one of those cheap singers who sang in those sleazy, tight eat-ins along the dark and narrow streets in the Mabini district of Manila. 

Wait! We were supposed to be getting married in a year! We should be saving! So many things went through my mind. Why was he with a singer? Did he give her money to have an abortion of a child which may have been his? Rhetorical question: Isn't abortion a sin? Has he any sense of Roe vs Wade where the man feels little to no responsibility over a fetus because abortion is easy to get, let alone do? In the old country, singers sang in night clubs because that is all they could do. Most of them spoke with a croaky voice, did not even speak a word of English and had a thickly made up face, high wide, dirty heels, endlessly chewed gum like the goat that was tied to the barbed wire fence outside the hut, spoke with a husky voice from all the cigarette smoking and who probably had a lot of family waiting for the money she made that night. Ugh!

He is supposed to have very little cash on him, he is supposed to be studying. If he wanted to listen to singing, he could have gone to the good hotels or gone to a concert! Was this how he learned (the operative word) to handle looking for entertainment, looking for it in cheap places, in cheap locales, from women in the dark back roads of Mabini reeking of cheap, stale perfume and yesterday's cheap, alcohol?  Tsk, tsk, tsk!

1971 We married in Easter of April in the Archbishop's Palace with the then Mayor, our Dean and Assistant Dean as our sponsors. When we were in our room after the wedding, I found out Buddy was a member of those whose "raincoat was closed at the neck." I am also guessing his brothers are probably with "raincoats." I am really getting short changed here! That was quite okay, I loved the guy. At least, I did at that time. 

When I think about it now, I feel so proud I did not ask my parents to shoulder the cost of any part of my wedding. Buddy and I already had good jobs and we had our heads screwed on right, or so I thought. For some reason, I just thought we needed to take care of the expenses ourselves. I feel good that we did because getting married these times meant the parents would have to shoulder the rehearsal dinner, reception, wedding gown and the attires of the entourage. At least, that's what I came to know. We were already adults and we had a good five years of courtship between us. I knew about who pays what because I read and researched it. It was a matter of getting ready and prepared, right?

As in any culture, a good father always make sure his daughter would be going into a wholesome marriage. When Buddy made an appointment with my Dad to talk stock, my
Dad had an inkling with where this meeting was going because he saw I was getting serious with Buddy. This was the first time both fathers would be meeting. It was just Buddy, his father, my parents and I who were in the room. They could not answer when my father asked where the mother was; that issue was muddled with conversation. We met in the sitting room of my bedroom far from all the chatter of the house. 

I remember now Buddy was so quiet. It was as if he were not the one getting married. My father is a no-nonsense guy who saw that even if his daughter was already of age, he still needed to "trim around the edges." So his first question was: "Are Buddy & Sylvanna going to be supporting his younger brothers and sisters since I know there are so many of them? Buddy & Sylvanna are going to be starting a new life and there should be no demands on them." The implication of that question to any intelligent listener would be "you definitely don't make enough to send them all to school." My father also did his homework and knew E did not make a lot of money to support his family.

(I heard from Buddy that he asked his father before coming to my house, "Pa, what will I say if they ask about my giving money to our family?") "What ever they give will be taken as a gift!" was E's first response. E, with his broken English, spoke with such force in his voice holding on to the armrests of the chair, as if bracing for an earthquake. To which my father answered, "Well, be assured that there will be no gift from them. They will be having children and as you know raising children is expensive. Parents will have to work double, triple, quadruple jobs to earn so children can be sent to school. I have been working all my life and it is not cheap to raise children." Buddy later told me, E told him what to answer. In hindsight, E was telling Buddy what to say because, aside from Buddy being held with a noose by his parents, E did not earn enough to send his children to school and only had one measly job. He did not look for other jobs either. E wanted Buddy to work and take over his (E's) responsibility of providing for his family and Buddy, the ever subservient child, went along! Buddy wasn't thinking ahead!

The agreement was Buddy and I were not going to give any money to Buddy's family, period. (This must have been why Buddy hasn't been going to communion and, ultimately, to Mass. He was on the big fat lie right and left lying to my father, on the straight and narrow with his father and both of them were in on it. There was no way out!)

My brothers and cousins were really helpful with the preparations. I should say one hundred people was a good enough number between Buddy's relatives and mine. Then a day before the wedding, I came to hear that his mother was not coming because he and his father thought that she should not come lest she embarrass their family with her "uneducated" ways. Every time she spoke up, E called her uneducated: why, because she's a woman? When E needed to flush his worldly needs with her body she was wasn't uneducated, right!? He and the rest of their menfolk saw her as a nuisance and was good only for cooking and having babies. This really got my dander! 

The story was that their mother was not told Buddy was getting married at all. The only people who knew about the wedding were Buddy and his father. Hmmm, that's odd. I had my head buried in wedding preparations. Buddy was not involved in the preparations because he was still working in another province.Two days before the wedding, he told me point blank they, as in the whole family, were so embarrassed to bring their mother along. They thought she had a crass way about her, her voice being so loud and gutteral. Loud, because she was deaf in one ear . . . no one even had her checked by the doctor for a hearing aid. (?)

I heard from Buddy that his father had a lot of women and his mother had her lights on on his philandering. What also bothered me was what he did to Buddy's younger sister, Serita, during an instance when she was supposed to have roused him from sleep at five in the morning. He apparently missed the boat he was supposed to ride on to meet his girlfriend. Now picture this: Buddy's five-year old sister having to wake E up at five in the morning to meet his girlfriend. Something is so wrong with that picture! AND when she did not wake up early enough to wake him up, E hit 5-year old Serita in the head! This was common knowledge in their household . . . of E's womanizing, their mother tolerating it, the children knowing about it . . . the kids often were hit by the father and they, too, just wiped or washed their faces, depending on where they were hit. 

Then comes the ramifications which I later noticed with their boys. I want to do a very amateur longitudinal analysis strictly for myself without touting the haughtier-than-thou attitude. I have had more than a good 70 years of life in this earth and I venture to say 90% of my hunches in this area are on target.The men in Buddy's family very easily had women outside of marriage and did not value that union as lasting. Their men earned but kept the moneys away from the clutches of the wives for fear that all the money will be spent wastefully.  Their wives had little to no college education. Women in their family had relationships outside of marriage that lasted only until the bedroom to which their mother did not say anything. They lived within the confines of their old environment and built shacks within a stone's throw from another relative  - and repeating the same dynamic all over again.They just had a very different set of mores . . a very mini anthropological slice of Buddy's life? Could be.

Anyway, read on, please . . .

Further, Buddy told me his parents were not married until he, Buddy, had to be enrolled in school which needed a marriage certificate which his parents could not produce. Whew, what am I getting into! Now this was some dynamic. His mother grew up in rural Iloilo where she talked a certain way like the "fishmongers." (I felt like I had to address this issue about his mother, his father and his sister but then I thought they better be left well enough alone with their lives. I felt that was a huge bite to take and that is more than I could handle in a lifetime. Buddy and I were going to have our own lives away from his family, or so I thought. I would not have my husband and children speak or think ill about me much less be embarrassed to have me around!)

I had lost some pounds as was evident in the 21-inch waistline I walked the aisle with at the Archbishop's Palace where we had the wedding. Edna, a cousin now departed, was my righthand lady planning the whole wedding. Delicate bouquets of baby's breath lined the aisle to contrast my mounting feelings of unease, or was it wedding jitters, or was it something else? . . .  Probably some more with this mother-in-law stuff was brewing! Another part of me wanted to know her so well so that she and my mother and I could be such good friends. . . . 

The reception went well. Buddy's mother came coyly to the bridal table with his father less than attentive to her. The introductions came and went but no one introduced her or E to anyone. It was my family that started the conversations with Buddy's family. This was the first time my mom and E's wife saw each other and so they both never got to talk to each other before or after the reception. I noticed that Buddy's family stayed in the background observing, not knowing how to act in a wedding reception. I also noticed they were in their street clothes. They were talking amongst themselves as if to contain the conversations and not include anyone else.

The day after the reception we went to their one-bedroom, one bath, two-story rented apartment where his parents lived with six of his siblings. Then my mother-in-law asked Buddy for fare money to the island for herself and her other son, Sam. Buddy could not answer. My thought, why doesn't she ask E? My immediate statement was, "Why don't you ask your husband?" I would later find out that the women in their family were only seen and not heard. (That should have been one of the many signs for me!)
    
After the wedding in April, we moved to Manila and rented a two-story, two bath corner apartment. As I think of it today, I was ill at ease in that place . . . that apartment . . . that situation. . . .that. There was just this kind of "dis-ease" where I was a stay at home Mom.  I can't quite put my finger on it . . .

I kept myself busy with making the apartment pretty, though small it was. And I filled it up with furniture and small appliances I bought when I was single. I noticed that Buddy became irritable when I asked for money to buy knickknacks. (A sign?) Yes, our money situation was that I asked money from him, why, because he was the one who handled the money. (Trickling down of money dynamics?. . . ) Was I seeing Buddy 20/20?  It was just so, so naive of me to let him handle the money. 

It was just two months after our wedding and I still had to ask him for money. There were no changes from when he was single with money issues. He thought he should be handling the purse strings. So provincial! One other thing he did not know about was having his mother as social security beneficiary. Why did I know all of this in rural Manila? I researched and had him change the records.

I became pregnant right away. When I took an afternoon shower, I noticed I felt warm, uncomfortably warm as in febrile. I told myself, hopefully, the water will cool me down some. Then I felt this sharp lower abdominal pain and felt as if a big blob of tissue left my body and I bled as if I were menstruating. I never experienced menstrual cramps before. I told Buddy when he came home that I felt so hot in our air-conditioned room.

Initially he said we cannot go to the hospital because we had no money. No money???? But he gave Sarollo tuition money earlier today, he told me vaguely. He said Sarollo dropped by his office and asked for tuition money about which his mother talked to him. Tuition money, what is this???? And then here I am, we cannot go to the hospital because we have no money? (In retrospect, this is where the devil crept in.)  

He brought me to the hospital after I told him we will have to pawn my jewelry and call my grandmother to borrow money for my hospitalization. (There must have been a mountain of issues in his mind at that time and he was the only one thinking of them: his mother asking him tuition money for his brothers about which he did not tell me, my urgent need to be hospitalized and what will he tell my father?????)  Ultimately, I miscarrried.

I reached out to the Lord for comfort. Doesn't this section of my young married life deserve nurturing, healing, quiet . . .  and, oh, doesn't Matthew write in 19:5 that God said, ‘Because of this a man should leave his father and mother and be joined together with his wife, and the two will be one flesh.’ This does not mean leaving his parents physically but departing his role as a child, their child, because now he is an adult. We, - you, readers, and I - understand each other, right?  I could see this passage achingly snake through the events that transpired.

Feeling kicked while still down, after my hospitalization his mother with his three sisters, three brothers came to live with us for a vacation. (!?!) Why are they spending money for a vacation? May I ask rhetorically if they really have extra money to spend????? That money would have been better spent on tuition. My father was right!

Two months later I became pregnant again and had the classic symptoms of pregnancy and then some. I could not tolerate some aromas of cooking in the house. Buddy would not allow me to work. I told him I was going to have a job interview at one time which he refused. I did nothing. I was too sick . .  . nauseous . . .

During this time his uncle Nacor came to our apartment late at night and behaved as if he was in his own house. In a booming half drunk voice, he said "Why don't you tell your wife to come down and meet me."  Nacor was one of his not so presentable uncles, who had wife after wife and more. Buddy could not turn Nacor away. We had no privacy. His uncle could come in and out of our house. Was it because Nacor was bigger? Was it because he had a loud voice that, to Buddy, signified power? Where he was before, bigger and louder signified clout. (????) 

I woke up and overheard this and could hardly get up. During those days of pregnancy again I was losing weight fast. I could not get up at night just to greet an unwelcome guest no matter how much of an uncle he was. He wasn't much. As I learned later from Buddy, his uncle authored most of the taboo happenings in their streets as they were growing up. It becomes a heavy chore telling his uncles' less than decent jokes, ones which are and will be not appropriate for this book. I will not have my children grow up in an environment such as this where his uncles are! Go Away, I wanted him to go far, far away. Away from my family!  

I had been reviewing for the CGFNS exams while awaiting delivery of my firstborn. I remember not having proper review books. All I had was a hardcover book of each specialty. The Lord just helped me get through it to grant me a glowing passing score. Thank you, Lord, Jesus!

Serita, his 23-year old younger sister, stayed with us for several months to look for a job which meant we had to shoulder her fare, her maintenance and food budget. Did she find a job? No. Her life with us was more of getting to know men instead of finding a job. She later ended up having an affair. The night before, Buddy and I had a disagreement. It again had to do with this sister of his . . . .

She was behaving the way she did in their house in Iloilo. It had to do with her using our private bathroom when there were two bathrooms in our apartment. I was just too tired to even notice being nice to other people. I did not know I was in labor, my bag was oozing slowly.  Buddy brought me to the medical center close to our house where I found out I had to deliver by C-section. I would just as soon have it, having undergone labor pains for 22 hours. 

Buddy also had to pick up my mother who was excited when she knew I was going to be presenting her with her first grandchild. My blessings were bountiful in the birth of robust, 6-pound Ianus. I was overjoyed seeing him nurse so healthily. A very good baby! Did not cause me any sleepless nights at all. I did not work knowing he had to be taken care of by careful hands such as my mother, my live-in sitter and myself. All three of us has our shifts in bathing, feeding, being with him and loving him. He was just too precious to leave to a hired babysitter.
  
When I knew that Buddy was headed for the U.S., I went home to Cebu with 3-month old Ianus and his nanny. I packed all our things, our wedding gifts and Ieft big furniture behind. Buddy had sent money for Ianus' upkeep as I was not working. Every letter was so welcome as I missed him badly. It felt like the times when he was in Manila and I was in Cebu and we would write letters because that way we could say what we wanted and not have to worry about paying phone bills. 

I really appreciate my parents for not saying anything about my and Ianus' stay in their house. I am telling it like it is! I did not have to worry about a single thing. Ianus and I were welcome like I was after I was already working. I even continued my overseas calls to Buddy without having to worry about paying anyone anything. I now think we did have some good resources, thanks to my Dad, Mom and grandparents. It was shortly thereafter that his mother came to our house unannounced with her daughter and daughter-in-law.

It was a rowdy crowd that came. She vowed she would kill me - yes, kill - and would by all means separate Buddy and me! No delicadeza! These were the words of my late Aunt Mercedes.

I later learned her children "scolded" her for coming to my house unannounced with her daughter and daughter in-law asking to see my son. Typical of her and people in her town to just come to a person's house without prior notice. She vowed she would forever separate Buddy and me and kill me, too! She was right on the first clause! Not a sliver on the second! That was the last I ever saw of her and Buddy's relatives. I heard from my mother that Samarie, another sister of Buddy's, came to the house peacefully but I was already in the U.S. 

1972 In November of 1972, I left for the United States on a then-H2 visa to Buddy's H1. It was the right time to go as Ianus had already popped his first teeth. I felt so comfortable leaving knowing he was in good hands.  

As I write this memoir, I realize I had not asked my parents for any help when it came to my wedding, preparing to go to the U.S. and actually going to the U.S. I prepared my travel documents, I set up Ianus' bedroom, which was my old bedroom, and I prepared for my flight by myself. Buddy was already in the U.S. pursuing his PhD. Come to think of it, I didn't ask him for money! Hey, I had some and I did not even realize I was going to need every rolling cent of it. I had to prepare just in case I needed funds. Jesus, you have been with me all along!

With the little happy times we had together, I learned a lot about his family things which were not told to me before we were married. 

During these times of past conversations, he sounded like he trusted me so much I wasn't going anywhere. He talked about the singer who aborted her child. Was that his kid he had aborted? Whoa, hold it right there! That question sounded like it was a bomb!

His tryst with Latoya, the condom in his drawer which he denied was his . . . . . . I am beginning to feel as if so many things are revealing themselves to me. This is me talking my mind out aloud . . . When Latoya was already working as a housekeeper for another employer, we passed by her and another female friend as they were talking. She blurted out a very slutty "Good evening, Buddy Boy . ." to which he tried hard not to look at her. He did not respond to her. He knew I was listening. She was now about 14 years old and now knows about the world, the world that Buddy introduced her to in one of those afternoons when he apparently asked her to massage him in body parts unknown. .  . and more. She did not even acknowledge my presence as if saying "I know something about you that your wife doesn't. . ." By conscience, she knew what he did to her. Buddy's version is: he asked her to massage his back, then progressed to him guiding her hand massaging his private body part. It is unknown where it ended and how many other days it happened. The long and short of it is he asked her to move out of his employ, why, because they did something objectionable when she was still 12 years old and now they are both living in a neighborhood where I am in? In US laws, that is tantamount to Buddy engaging in pedophilia.. I was totally unaware of what they did! I had asked Buddy about this last paragraph to which he mumbles, avoids my gaze and goes into a rage. Guilty?

One other thing he told me about is his past experience with a girl friend when he was already working at 22. He claims he brought her to a motel in Cebu and engaged in lewd acts for 12 hours. He states he was so wasted he could hardly see straight. Was that why he could not restrain himself from the Mimi acts, the Latoya acts, and the singer acts? There exists such a pattern. Buddy, why are you telling me these only after we got married?????  Why???

There was a feeling  of a dark cloud above me remembering events that had to do with Buddy.

1973 We stayed with an aunt of mine who had a mansion of a house in Northbrook. Yes, it was a mansion by the lake. I cannot imagine now how seven of us, as additional people in the house, could have been accommodated there. When I think back now, I feel as if all seven of us were ensconced in a hotel forever with food, parking spot, internet, TV and all accommodations. I give blessings to my aunt and her doctor husband. 

While Buddy was in Michigan pursuing his PhD, I worked full time and three days week double time as a graduate nurse in Illinois. I was also preparing for the nursing boards which drove me to nights of intense review. I met Jim and Dennis who knew I was already married. What is it about being here in the United States and living with a common law wife? Can't do that! Am I just too old fashioned? I just know my values! 

1974 As I was writing the exams in Evanston, Illinois, I told myself I had to pass this test because. Had to get this target at the cross hairs, had to get my bearings straight: Not certain when Buddy would be able to defend his thesis AND if he could get a job, Ianus was already in Illinois and growing, will I forever be a graduate nurse? Three things that stuck with me that morning. I should pass this exam!

This year I passed the nursing boards and I laud the heavens for such a blessing! My aunt who owned the nursing home had given me a job as Assistant Director of Nursing where she was Director of Nursing. It was an ideal partnership because we were living in the same house so there was the so-called 'continuity of care' for the patients. It was also at this time when I had a huge patient, Bob, step on my right big toe. No, I did not stop working. No, I did not file insurance forms or filed for a sick leave. I just kept on working with an open toe shoe. It was awhile before the nail of that big toe fell off. And, yes, I continued to work happily and still regarded Bob as my favorite patient. 

My Aunt Mary who came in the summer talked to me about moving all of us - me, Ianus, my parents, my bother and sister-in-law and their baby - out of my aunt's mansion. She did well in reminding me of the good fortune that was afforded us by my Aunt Lila. I moved us all out into a three bedroom, two-bath condo very close to our Northbrook address, still close to where I worked. Thank you, Jesus!   

1975 We moved to a condo owned by my boss whom I shall call Mr. Rosenberg, a heaven-sent Jew who only had goodness and happiness in his heart. I remember him saying, "if your throw bread into the water, it will come back to you . . ." I will always have sweet memories of him, his wife, his children, his mother, his father and mother-in-law. I came across this block in heaven where only smiling good-natured people stood by as I passed through. That is how I remember them . . .  

I was pregnant in the middle part of the year and I was as sick as I could get. I threw up at work, threw up when I returned home and I wondered if I could ever stop throwing up. It was just a blessing that my aunt 'carried' me all the way through my pregnancy. I was nauseated with the smell of cigarettes, body odor and cleaning compounds but I could very well tell the pills I passed to my patients at the facility I worked in. I guess my body forgot how it felt to be pregnant after a gap four years between the first and second baby. Buddy still wasn't able to defend his thesis.

On January, Stefano came into our lives smiling without a care in the world. He was another healthy baby who became the apple of my mother's eye.

1976 Our nursing home surveys came and went. That brought us through the wringer where my aunt and I prayed daily before we entered and left our place of work. That is a job I would not wish on anyone - running a nursing home -  and come out without a single violation. We stood on our toes and did not breathe until the surveyors signed off our ratings and left the building. I always received a bonus from Mr. Rosenberg, my Jewish boss who was the owner of seven facilities in the Illinois area. He gave me all of my and my family's insurance coverages - health, dental, disability, property and all. When I was pregnant with Stefano, Mr. Rosenberg gave him a good size amount savings bond intended for the baby at that time. 

I do remember that in the winter of this year, Buddy and I had a big blow up. My father almost bought into it if it were not for his better sensibilities. When I was so pregnant with Stefano, a neighbor of ours knocked on our door to ask Buddy to help unload his old couch. I made a comment that he should not lift anything heavy because of his inguinal hernia. He could tell our neighbor that his condition prohibits him from doing so. He helped them anyway. That same evening, the night before the garbage disposal came for our used appliances and furniture, we were also getting rid of our old couch. What would you know! Buddy came to the dining room to tell me to help him and my Dad lift the 90-inch couch out to the dumpster. What is wrong with this picture? Why ask your 5' foot, 8-months pregnant wife to lift the sagging load and he cannot say no to lifting the old couch and refrigerator for the neighbor? That was such a great disconnect!

By December of this year, Buddy finally completed his PhD. Hallelujah! He stated to me that he almost sued his advisor for not agreeing to let him defend this year. In retrospect, I would take reservations on or around Buddy's communication and relationship building skills with his advisor.

1977 Buddy and I fought like cats and dogs in front of my folks and in front of my oldest son. I had suggested to him that his relatives "reach out" to me and mine "reach out" to him especially where money, (yes, money!) sleepovers, vacations, etc. were concerned. That way we establish a relationship that embraces both of our sides. My relatives have never had to ask him for money and sleeping space -  they stayed in a hotel whenever they came to town. 

In the middle of the year, when I told him I was pregnant again, he was kind of hesitant to feel good about it. That made me revolt inside. You had fun, Buddy, now you don't want what follows after it! Something is going so wrong with my husband . . .  My husband? With a PhD?

He was finally able to secure a job in the east near Tanglewood where he wrote for a publication. At this same time, he established contact with the Middle Eastern friend of his, Kuhar, to whom he introduced job opportunities in the east. They took Buddy's old beat up Chevy Cavalier. When it was time for both of them to come home, of course, his friend came with him having nowhere to go. Hair in my back stand up up to today remembering what I overheard as they were coming in through the patio door. 

"I see you have three Cavaliers. You said back east you have a Toyota. Can I see it?" This came from Kuhar. I did not want to hear what Buddy answered; I walked far away from them.  
  
1978 Mindy was such a cute bundle of joy! The Lord was spoiling me with this adorable baby girl! Mr. Rosenburg out did himself again! This year he gave me a fancy cherry red mini-van which I never imagined I could get from an employer! Along with it, he gifted me with an unlimited gas card which I could use in any part of the country. Did I say he took care all insurances for me and my family? Talk about blessings you cannot contain!   

I heard from Buddy that Sanfred, one of his brothers, told him "Send us money without Sylvanna knowing it." Sanfred's wife is also a nurse so he has no reason to ask money from us.  Buddy could not forgive himself for telling me what his brother said. I was up and down him like a bad rash and he knew I was not fibbing. He knew what it meant to cross me. These people are really still following Buddy and me around even if we went away from them. They still called and asked for money!I Talk about crabs!

1979 I am getting a hunch Buddy had been talking a little too much for his own good. He told me he spoke to a friend of his about "pulidomide" babies. Buddy meant Thalidomide babies. He chastised my father who, he said, knows nothing about cadnium batteries. Cadmium, Buddy with a PhD, cadmium. 

We had a big fight. I left the apartment for a week without him knowing where I was going. I was actually at my aunt's house ten minutes away. I made sure my children had food and everything else for a week. Plus, my parents stayed with us so the children were well taken care of. When a person is in need of a job, you imagine him in front of the classified ads or talking to hiring managers, not waking up late in the day and expect your mother-in-law to cook lunch and take care of your kids for the day! The question was how did he manage while I was gone? He was jobless because he said he was going to strike out on his own. How? Do we have the money? I wanted him to know what it meant when a monkey swings from branch to branch and know that suddenly there is no branch to swing to, ergo nothing to hang on to! He had quit his consulting job in the east because he said he did not like having to drive home every two weeks. Lame.

Jobs were hard enough to come by and our family was growing. I already had it in my head: we were not yet ready for the grand life. Ours was still a very young family. I was only in my fifth year of directorship in nursing. He just passed his doctoral degree and our oldest child was already six years old. I was really the breadwinner for all of us in that cramped, small apartment, two-car family with small kids. I needed help, and fast! And he already finished his PhD and he chose jobless. Quitting your job in this economy! What was he thinking!        
 
1980 We bought a tiny three bedroom house in Illinois which housed us comfortably. It had a good size yard in which the children could run around and play. They each had their bikes which they rode around the neighborhood.  My father really enjoyed his vegetable garden which gave us our tomatoes, eggplants, melons, beans, spinach, peppers, etc. that alI I could say is God is so good!  

I was among those sent to Hawaii by Mr. Rosenberg for administrator's training seminar for a week. Travel does allow you to see places, widening your horizon and giving you a different perspective of things. I shared the beauty of Hawaii with Buddy and the goodness of Mr. Rosenberg. 

"Buddy, would you like to go to Hawaii just the two of us?" I asked him.

"Why would I want to spend money?" was the answer. 

"Who else would spend for us if not us? We need to pay our plane fare, our hotel, our meals and the places we are going to see. We need to see places and travel is very educational. That is an investment on us, don't you think?" I countered.

"You know, Sylvanna, you are always about spending. Where will we get the money? Right now, I don't even have a job."

"I am not saying we will go right now. The important thing is we plan and save up for it." I explained. Then he left to go somewhere; did not even say goodbye. . . Why doesn't this man talk to me? He knows I have a job, ergo, there is money. I handled money very well - have never been behind on bilIs, already have savings and investments and still have money left over to play with. Our financial house is okay even with him not having a job! Wait a minute, could this behavior of his be because he doesn't have a job?    

1981 I have learned my lesson: I will hang to what I earn! This man does not even listen when we talk. And, I will not have him dip his paws into my coffers lest I regret where he will spend what I made elsewhere without talking to me about it. I will say here, for the record, that we are not rich. We just have enough, why, because money is handled with respect. You spend when you have to, not because you want to. We always bought sale items which we needed such as toilet paper, soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, paper products, children's socks, you name it. I believe in the 'storehouse principle' of the ants. They work and work then rest when they have to and when they're done resting they work again, in all seasons. In simple parlance, work is so vital and you have to make it fun. How? You have to think how you're going to make it so!

My father and mother are of the same idea. "Buy, in bulk sale the items that don't expire, Sylvanna," my Mom would always say. Spend only if it is absolutely necessary and by necessary I mean food, clothing, shelter, education and entertainment. You have to have a good understanding of the purpose and nature of food and, ultimately, a healthy relationship with it. In order to be able to have nice and decent clothing, it is important to know where to get low priced, presentable items that will make you look like you shopped from Rodeo Drive. Shelter seems to me to be the biggest crunch on my budget. Of course, it is where we all live. Then you have to think about maintaining your physical house.

Constant learning keeps the mind sharp that is why I say I am a perpetual student of life. I can be entertained in the cleanest, safest, and lowest cost environment that will lift my spirits, make me learn some new things and, at the end of the day, bring me decent returns. I believe in having a healthy relationship with money which is a commodity of versatile permissions. It allows you to buy this so you can do that without forgetting its changing valuations and forms.That's all it is.          

I have never, for the life of me, forgotten my marriage despite the not so good things that happened in my life. I always had it in my mind that one, some day, Buddy will turn around. I went to him and said "Buddy, would you like us to go counseling?" He flat out refused. The people we're seeing were professionals. He said he has a PhD, "why would I need someone who had a lower degree"?? Buddy's gotta be kidding, right? 

When he told me "I am getting a job at the university!" My heart about flipped a little! He's getting a job!  Okay, this might re-align Buddy some, I told myself. Quitting the job in Massachusetts and striking out on his own was, to me, the scariest decision he made. Being with his professor friends and teaching may refresh him.

1982 Was sent again by Mr. Rosenberg to attend the administrators training conference in Hawaii.This year saw me with triple income streams which included my full time job. I was thinking of going back to school for higher studies. Knowing Buddy and his ways, I might as well make hay while the sun shines. I dabbled in life insurance, in which I did very well and had set up my environmental systems business. I worked day and night including weekends. I also put together recruitment plans for other facilities which my business partners fulfilled. In total I almost completely put up my three children's college funds. Yes, these indeed were a lucrative set of years. 

Winter this year was so unforgiving. One time I've had to drive for four hours to Fond du Lac to be with Ianus because he said he needed help with his homework. When a child calls to his mother for help, she will weather whatever storm there is so she can make it better for him. I was right, Ianus needed help which I could not give over the phone because it was subject matter contained in one of his Math books. 

He said his Dad often came home late so he was alone a lot but he really needed help with his homework. Buddy found me with Ianus poring over his assignments which I heard went very well. The next day I drove straight to work. I will not forget that from that day on I had resolved to have wrinkle-free clothes, black and duty shoes inside a travel bag, just in case I need to make that run to Wisconsin again.

Ianus walked to school which was two houses away. I noticed that he had two tardy slips so I asked Buddy what that was about. He was getting ready for work so Ianus did not have his attention. Well, 10-year old Ianus should have Buddy's attention! Good thing I found these things out when I drove to Wisconsin that winter evening! We fixed that issue, too.

In one instance, we were in church and Ianus handed out a twenty dollar bill to the collection bag. He had kept it in his box at home with moneys which grandparents, uncles and aunts gave them. I had told them about tithing (I explained it in mini-tithing terms for them) - if we take care of God's house, He will take care of everything we have. Buddy picked up the twenty dollar bill from the collection bag and scolded Ianus in front of the people around us. He was so loud that church goers eight pews up and down from us looked to see what was the matter.  He took the dollar away from Ianus saying if Ianus did not want it, he did. 

He took away money which was already in God's hands. Blasphemous! Have you wondered why Midas touch is upon Buddy's family? 
Of course, Buddy and I talked about respecting children's upcoming values and supporting it; 
Of course, he said I taught the kids wrong values; 
Of course, he yelled as loud as his vocal chords could hold; 
Of course, I have been used to this kind of rage and I am not going to let him prevent Ianus from taking care of God's house. 

I held my calm. Later that night I spoke to Ianus separately and explained to him that Dad has a different set of values than I do and that I was going to continue to teach him and his brother and sister God's ways. To this day, my children are God-loving people of the earth. And yes, they take care of God's house because He will take care of our house, and more!   

1983 We had talked about building a house in Wisconsin. I thought that was a very good idea so that all the children will be in one address. The two smaller kids were with me and my parents in Illinois; he had Ianus in Wisconsin. That is what I so longed for - having a bedroom each for the kids who were growing up was the thing to do. Well, we can build a house while we walk over the "rubble" that we create hoping that things will look up . . . we'll see.

He mentioned wanting to upgrade our wedding rings. Was my then-husband having thoughts of owning things such as rings, clothes, houses - the material stuff? In my marriage, I honestly did but those things would have to wait. My father provided well for us before I was married and I had enough so I had no need for them. My children always came first, next to God. Was this deep thirst with him since he was a child, and was he having problems surfacing them? . . . 

I mention the term "thirst" because Mom always talked to me about a look in Buddy's eyes that she thought belonged more to a little boy looking at a group of rich boys each with a cone of ice cream and he had none. Hmm. . .  

The later part of this year saw me in Puerto Rico at a week long conference for my environmental systems business. I actually won that trip for having produced several accounts. I could not tell Buddy about my trip that I had to go to because the trip was happening in two days. He was in Wisconsin, I was in Illinois. A bit loose for a reason. 

1984 In January of this year, I was at home in Wheeling, Illinois, and I called one of his lady friends who was so nice to me. I inquired what the situation was at work. She was one of the older ladies at work who did not engage in office talk. I am sure Buddy will again question me why I called Edie. He was so huffy these days and I really wanted to call off construction of the house in Wisconsin. In fact, I told him, "Why don't we stop construction of the house altogether as long as they haven't started excavating." He goes into these modes where he gets angry easily and he doesn't tell me why. Edie had no  answer either as to why he had been behaving that away.

In the summer of this year, I took the kids and my parents to Disneyland for the first time. I told Buddy to get tickets for all seven of us in the house, gave him my credit card and off he went to O'Hare. I did not think twice of letting him come with us. But he only got six tickets saying he did not want to come. Why wouldn't he want to come? It was the first time we would have been on vacation as a family! 

In my mind, he probably felt bad he wasn't making enough for me to quit working, or he felt so inadequate working away from the family. Or did he feel embarrassed considering my parents were staying with us and they would certainly see that he was jobless? Our situation at that time was such that he drove to teach in Marian, Fond du Lac, and drove back home to Wheeling, IIlinois, every week or two to our tiny 3-bedroom house in my manual 1990 Chevy. My father and I worked full-time while my mother (and father, too) helped me with the three children.

Since our family was growing; we got around town in the Chevy Lumina van my boss gave to me as a valued employee. Buddy really bristled when he looked at me driving my T-model car one day and the van on another. One thing about him: he never talked his thoughts out to me about the cars. I remember him driving my old Chevy, swerving when turning, running the pedal and stopping suddenly. Lack of gentleness in handling the cars really scared me. He stated one time: "Your car is only a Chevy but it has lasted more than ten years." Of course, I had the maintenance check ups done as scheduled and I was a careful and gentle driver even if I drove it all the way to Chicago on the highway!

Anyway, we had the house built and in July we moved into the new house in Wisconsin. It was a brand new two-story, four bedroom, two and a half bathroom affair with a skylight, fireplace and full basement with an office. It had huge front and backyard for a seven-car parking and space to have gatherings. You could add countless features to property this size. Every year I had something added and, still, I am not finished!

At times he would reminisce how small a house they had back in the Philippines - nine children and two adults in a two bedroom, one bathroom, with an aluminum roof that made a lot of noise when it rained. He went to say he remembers having condensed milk which was watered down and divided carefully among all nine children because there wasn't enough money. Why are we constantly ruminating about the past? It is like driving and constantly looking in the rear view mirror! His father was gone most of the time on his own and did not earn enough money for his family. He did not earn. Period. 

So comes the story. His mother cooked desserts and made sandwiches she sold to the offices so she could have enough money to buy her cooking material and food for her children.. Some of the kids who were home from school helped her. It was a balancing act which, unbeknownst to her, had become her rhythm when she ran out of money: ask the kids. Obviously, she did not make use of her teaching degree because according to the kids, she could not even speak the language she was supposed to teach! This was becoming painfully pitiful. So many memes of pain, strife and misery . . .        

1985 I had asked Buddy to go to counseling sessions with me. He refused saying he did not believe in counseling. So what do you believe in? Buddy, the brain surgeon does not need to have surgery done on him for him to be licensed and deemed competent. 

Towards the fall of this year, I received a call from a very Filipino-sounding voice and way of speaking English. She asked for Buddy. Because I already knew how to speak his dialect, I spoke to her and I learned she was an in-law of his. She did not ask who I was or say the usual hi, hello, how are you, so you're Buddy's wife, we have a problem here..... no pleasantries from her.  I could tell she was from their town with the way she spoke and how she put her words together. I immediately gave our number in Wisconsin to the lady who called. It sounded like an emergency. (Here we go again!)

Talking about emergencies, Buddy seems to be the go-to person for anything related to his family. Call Buddy if you have a problem with money, call Buddy if you have a problem with a sibling, call Buddy if you have problem with documents. They seem to not have their own resources - mental resources? financial resources? people resources? But they have families of their own already, they have already lived! Doesn't Buddy have the gumption to think the questions they have for him were all elementary and they were running him ragged! Couldn't Buddy have taught them how to think and problem-solve? Yet Buddy in his own state of mind thought, had to be the savior of his family because his mother treated him so, Buddy thought that was his role in life and his father was a failed presence(??)

1986 He asked that my parents move out of the house thanks to his sister, Serita, who in her native tongue said, "Nga-a nga ara pa man dira sila?" Had Buddy been listening to chatter from his family instead of giving me his ear, and his heart? I had quit my job as Director of Nursing effective the last working day of 1986 but had been up to date with my license and continuing education credits. My parents had kept me afloat with funds while I wasn't working but I, too, had my own funds, for which eventuality I had been preparing for. 

We had tiffs about why he had to send money to his family. He would secretly talk to his family in the night and close the door shut so no one would hear him. When I asked why they weren't talking to me he answered he should be the only one to whom they should be talking. This is so strange. Where is the transparency I was talking about? Why is it that he could talk freely with my parents and I couldn't do it with his family? Why was he keeping it secret, why couldn't I be part of his life??? My father's voice kept 'talking' in back of my mind: He has eight brothers and sisters. Remember some of their ways of handling money. His parents said they will 'accept gifts' from him. But this has never been discussed between Buddy and I. We never talked about giving money to his family. We have our own bills and taxes to pay, deadlines to meet. We have our own family to start up. His family is waiting for dole outs, they're not looking for jobs!!!!!!!!!

This year I feared that in Wisconsin we would receive a fine for having our grass grow more that three feet tall. Buddy made no effort to mow the lawn or have someone mow it for a fee. What was he thinking! My father was so embarrassed he brought our lawnmower from our Wheeling house to my Fond du Lac home from Illinois. Remember, my father and I were both working two hours away in Illinois then!  

1987 I had noticed receipts of his having sent them at least $800 a month and here I am working my butt off 60 hours a week to make a living. It goes without saying that I confronted him about it. That poverty situation of theirs is so close to his eyes he cannot see straight! One can only carry a load for so long . . . We still have this house to pay for . . . I had not bought jewelry, bags, clothes or gone on vacation or done all of the things I had done as a single woman, the kids lead very simple lives and have simple tastes . . . I don't want to be dragged into their memes. We, referring to my parents' money status, were not that bad at all! Thanks to Mom's exemplary money handling skills and Dad's money-making efforts.

Buddy had bought a big screen TV for the basement saying he would "build a theatre" for me. Earlier, in the year I had wired our basement so that it will have surround sound effect with the speakers embedded in the ceiling tiles. In hindsight, building a theatre for me wasn't really the point; it was more the fact that he could see himself do something that showed he had the capacity, the macho. Other houses on our area already had big screen TVs. I would consider this one of our happier times though short lived they were. Finally, he had bought a house which was a far cry from their poverty . . .

When I talk about poverty, I mean a family's lack of money to buy food, clothing, money to pay the school dues, fare money so the kids don't have to walk, lunch money, incidental money. Over yonder, there was poverty, too, in a different sense . . . poverty of spirit. Now he was "building a theatre" for me; these were his words. At one point I broached to him the idea of addressing his "raincoat" condition. It is the hygienic thing to do. Quiet.

My business on environmental systems was doing very well. It brought in more revenue on my side in addition to my being an insurance underwriter.

By summer of 1987, I had worked on our publishing business and also did the landscaping of the front and back of our house which was a handsome four bedroom two-and-a-half bath, two story home in the suburbs. I have had to clear a thicket of thistles in preparation for a back patio. I bought hollow blocks, landscaping cloth, gravel and mustered a lot of elbow grease to even just result in 12' x 22' work area. Every day when Buddy went to work at the college where he taught, I went to Menards and brought the hollow blocks and stair treads for about five trips in my van and stored them very close to the house so someone who would be looking through the windows, from inside the house, would not see the pile of hollow blocks which were tucked close to the house. I liked what I did and saw. I also did not like how I felt not telling him about it.

Why did I hide it? Buddy said he did not want to spend for anything because he said he did not have money. If he found out I had money, I had to pay the bills with that money but I should not touch his money. All of a sudden, it's his money, not our money. We had come from a culture where the woman handled the purse strings but even so I had our money set up so that both he and I knew which money was going where. Husband and wife did have access to the money. She handled the purse strings and he knew, and could see where the money was going. I did not anticipate this issue . . . we were supposed to be husband and wife!

After we filed taxes, I asked for the income tax returns and refunds so I could file them and store them in the filing cabinets. The answer was, "Why should you have it? " So I can file it the returns and I could deposit the refund." was my answer. Did he think I was going to use the refund for myself? Remember, I was never in the habit of buying clothes, drugs, jewelry or gambling. My mother taught me about saving, saving and saving. See the learned behavior of handling money with this kind of spouse? For someone with a PhD, he never looked front, both sides and back . . .    
 
1988 As Business Manager, I had worked on Writing Pen LLC, a publishing company of our newsletter which went caput after two issues. We printed 15,000 copies of the newsletter and several thousands sit in our garage.Writing Pen LLC only went for two issues and we took a second mortgage on our house. He did not have even have one year’s worth of articles and just wanted to go by the seat of his pants. He also blamed me for the death of the business. He did not even know how to trace the demise of this venture! 

We had few subscribers, we had a grand opening in our house where there was a good less than twenty people who came. At that time, I thought it best that I cook for all of them and not have to hire a chef who would charge an arm and a leg. I will never cook for twenty people ever again!  

Looking back now, I wish I had put my foot down on his venture. Why? He did not have a year's worth of publishable material on the ready. We did not have a viable mailing list. And he claims he did not have enough time to work on it because of his full time teaching job. "But didn't you know you were teaching full time?" someone once asked point blank.

My heart sank to the lowest of lows days and months after the subscription checks trickled in and then finally stopped. What is most embarrassing was having to face our subscribers who asked for their money back. He would not face them nor answer their calls. I had to do the dirty job of answering for him. Then came the lonely thankless job of paying the loans.

My environmental systems business did not need a house loan. I had regular checks coming in but I also needed to turn that around for inventory. All of my seed money went to him for what he says are household expenses, or the kids Tae Kwon Do fees or the kids dental fees. I had trusted him then in those areas even if he could not see why he should not spend my seed money. Where's your PhD, my man? I stopped my distributorship for my business for lack of turn around funds. And I did not want to spend for anything because if he saw I had money; he would all the more let me take care of paying for bills.  

Basking in the glow of receiving the first few checks was the wrong thing to do.  It was difficult to keep the subscriber base, the ads and the issues going. And he had a day job to keep, tests to grade, students hours to keep and face time at the college. I had my hands full with the three children's lives. And he had a secret life at night that he did not want me to know about . . .

In June of this year, I drove him and me to the INS office in Milwaukee where we, along with close to a hundred others, took our oath of United States citizenship. I was just as glad that part of our lives was over and done with. Maybe not . . .
  
1989 Reading, time and again, that I asked for counseling time is becoming rote. Saying that dynamics were deteriorating is an understatement. Counseling? He again refused.

I found in a computer diskette that he had downloaded emails of his sisters’ thank yous for petitioning for their coming into the United States. How come I did not know all this? This procedure requires loads and loads of documentation. Did he use my information and the children's? Did he hide all the paperwork? Did he think it was so taboo for anyone to know about it let alone someone who could bring them here?  Did he look to marry someone who he thought could bring his family out of poverty, someone who could come to the US and easily become a US citizen so he could become a US citizen then he could bring all of them out of the rut? But they aren't pulling themselves out of the rut! They have this mental attitude that they have to be "delivered out of this rut," as in carried out. In the vernacular, it is called i-n-d-o-l-e-n-c-e  --  lazy, is more like it.

Did he marry me just to have someone sponsor all of them? Did he love me at all? 

No wonder, in one conversation with his brother in Nevada, Saronno asked for papers and NEVER even asked about my children and how they were. Something was going on under my nose, in my own house, that my husband never told me about…something was brewing… I did not want my personal information or my investments out there, much less the kids’ social security numbers and mine…  

In one instance that I was finishing the layout of our newsletter, he blurted out that he wanted to become a priest. So I asked "what's to become of our marriage?" Silence. Of course, I did not believe him thinking it was one of his thinking out loud episodes again. I asked him matter-of-factly, "How will our children address you? Daddy Father or Father Daddy?" I remember the scenes in The Price of Tides where scenes of a very poor and painful childhood took over the present.  More silence. He had a far away look in his eyes after which he said in the dialect, "I can't take my eyes off of my brothers and sisters; I can't leave them." It was as if he was talking about his siblings with that image and with that frame of mind of poverty. Still. Again.

I wanted to interrupt his musings. In my mind I wanted to say he may have felt guilty being in the US, felt guilty being away from them or even felt guilty stopping to think of them. It felt like he may have felt guilty just the thought of stopping the entertaining those images in his mind. Did he enjoy entertaining those images in his mind? I asked myself, was it healthy for a person to constantly think of those images? In reality, if you were busy at work, would you have the time to think about those images? In a split second of time, I felt like I was the psychotherapist. I use the phrases for its sublime purpose here.

In one of our conversations he wanted Ianus to purchase the older computers so he could use the proceeds to buy newer computers for his use. Wait a minute! Ianus to purchase his old computers? Why would a father ask his son to purchase old computers? Shouldn't our son use -- yes, use--- OUR home computers? Our sons, one autistic and one unemployed, are part of the FAMILY as in family, as in "may use," as in not purchase computers from a dad!!  What a huge disconnect! 

1990 Irene and John paid for my trip to the Philippines to attend my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. Buddy did not say anything when I mentioned the trip paid for by my sister-in-law and my deacon brother. 

He had scheduled for us to be in Evanston, Illinois. It was there that I told him Irene and John had decided to treat me to the Philippines. I would have been the only sibling left behind if they did not. Buddy had a very glum look and he stated irrelevantly "why do you tell me only now?" He could not point blank ask me questions especially if it had to do with him not having the means to provide it for me. Or did he want me to bring a box for his family, or maybe money? So we have money for your family but no money for your children?

This month I saw that he missed a house payment. He did not tell me; he just plain forgot about it. I don't know how many times he missed payments at all since, as I alluded to earlier, he was taking care of all the expenses.

In early November, it was Nieves, my supervisor's, funeral. I had started working part-time to get out of the house. My children continue to be the most important part of my life. My second son, who is mildly autistic, needs supervision. I could not see myself having to work as a nurse then have to come home when I need to because of an emergency. So I worked part-time from home as Circulation Editor for a regional association of writers in addition to cooking, laundry, ironing, household cleaning, driving the kids to and from school, attending parent child conferences, taking them to their doctors' appointments and church, did all the yard work, such as mowing the lawn, weeding, fertilizing and lights maintenance. I also trimmed everyone 's hair -- yes, Buddy's, Ianus', Stefano's and Mindy's -- 12 times year.  

From out of my meager earnings Buddy assigned, yes, assigned, me to pay huge bills. Nothing was left for me that I could use, this is embarrassing, things that made me sane and made me continue to live like a human being. My parents could only watch. And probably, whimper, they did.       

(We have to remember his mother did not have money to spend on her own. His father doled out the money, when there was money. I heard Buddy talk to his brother, Sarollo, one time not to send money to his wife because "she might spend it all." It was as if I could see a hologram of Buddy's image, his mother's and his father's intertwined. Sickening!)

1991 My niece and her family had invited me to the Dells with my kids while Buddy went to IIlinois to meet with his friends. Wouldn't you know that on the morning of the second day at the Dells, I received a call from Buddy asking me to pick him up from Illinois because his car would not start? It was a push and pull conversation with him letting him know that it would mean having to pull out all three children from the Dells vacation and pack them up to pick him up from Illinois instead of him having to call a car mechanic and have the car fixed. Don't I make sense?  He got his way that day. My nephew and his wife just shook their heads . . .

Around this time I had started to rev up my personal financial status by talking to my father about seeing his financial adviser. I still recall Mr. Rosenberg buying life insurance for me but which amount I need to increase because my family was growing. But how do I do that without Buddy having to be involved? He is one who does not want to spend money, not even for his own flesh and blood! I will have to remove Buddy as one of my beneficiaries.      
In the meantime I continued attending to the three children mentoring all three of them with their classes which I, proudly to this day, say they all did very well. Awards left and right awaited us at the end of the school year and more.

One never forgets what one loves so I continued my love of dancing. I had started to teach weekly hula Tahitian dancing in Milwaukee amid my women friends as well as in Fond du Lac area. One of my students was a Miss Wisconsin candidate who won the title. Go, Wendy!  

1992 I had asked him that we go counseling (again?) so we can freshen up how we handle and heal each other's anger, frustration or coldness to one another. I knew we both needed that. I seemed to have believed that constant dropping of water on a rock would create a dent. Really?  He flat out refused. So what to do?

Ianus and Stefano were already trying their hand at mowing the lawn. The lawns looked so lush and green after they were thoroughly mowed. The smell of fresh cut grass gives the person mowing the lawn energy, have you noticed that? I have taught Ianus how to use the weed eater. Tiny Mindy also tried to push the lawn mower. Oh, I have kids with strong arms! I continued doing fun things while I worked just to get out of the house. Every year the kids and I prepare our lists of things to buy in order to get ready for the school year - loose college ruled paper, notebooks thick and thin, more pens and pencils, more calculators, more jump drives . . .   

Editing the school publication was Mindy's baby which she labored on day and night and night and day with the advisor's guidance. I remember overhearing Buddy tell Mindy to go to sleep early even if she did not finish her homework. Why she was still doing her homework, not watching TV! Mindy has had to stuff the bottom of her door with rolled cloth so the light would not be seen from her room. Sometimes she did her homework in the closet with the closet light on and her room light off. Or she would go to sleep really early at night and wake up at 3:00 AM so her father would not see her. Mindy would very often ask innocently, "Are you doing something after this?" And right she was, "something" was Buddy's own business - watching porn and not have to bother when the children would knock because he had sent them all to bed early. Or . . . . calling his family in the Philippines and brag that he will send them whatever thy asked. With the rolled towel stuffed under the door no one would hear what was going on in his room.  

Mindy is now a budding young blogger with a film degree under her belt. She writes from the soul with on her computer to her smartphone accessing it wherever. She also has the ethics of an Olympian - work well and finish it!

1993 He said to our daughter one time during Christmas, "I will give $100 to your mother." It never happened. Shades of Buddy all over again. I made sure I stood with the children every time they had a tiff with their father. It is not easy to stand guard over an issue if you yourself are a target. Especially if he hits the kids in back of the head because he did not like what they did or said.

Hitting is one action that I will never stand for. Talking till the cows come home is more like it. Is it too elementary to ask if you heard that hitting someone on the head can cause injuries? Haven't you also heard about physical expressions of anger leaving emotional scars? Rhetorical perhaps. That's right! Our face is our representation to the world. If someone spikes it down with a hand, that is tantamount to saying that person is no good to anyone. Most of all you have just struck the face of the temple of the Holy Spirit! Am I getting too religious here?   

When my brother came to visit us, his kids were free to roam our rooms. Dave, his oldest, worked on Buddy's computer and uttered a disdainful sound when he talked to Mindy. "Mindy, what's going on with Uncle Buddy, here look at all these porn sites he has visited. Isn't he scared to be jailed?"   

1994 I again sought him out for both of us to seek counseling. I knew it wasn't easy to have him understand why we had to go but I was under the impression that he was either embarrassed, had no time, did not have the money or it's just not in his realm of the learned dynamics of his family to "air his dirty laundry" as he would very often say.  He refused again. I always connect patience with Alpha and Omega - there is no beginning, there is no end. I think I am going to rethink it here.

Since he refused to seek counseling, I went by myself. I saw a priest and a spiritual adviser. I was just dumb founded with the priest's response about issues with which I was not at ease - his having had that sexual experience with our young housekeeper, his having had the bouts of STD, his having been so secretive about our finances, and why he refuses to go to counseling with me. "Leave him" Father Pat told me over and over. I thought this is was shameful that a priest should tell me this but it took me years to swallow that without blinking! 

1995 This year I started sleeping full time in the guest room. I could hear Buddy go up and down the stairs as the guest room was right beside it. I made sure it was locked for obvious reasons. 

I believe a person is never too old to learn. I had a change of career, mostly a change of life. I had beefed up on learning about finances, so I could be better prepared for old age. I also took classes on a old passions - photography, reading, travel, collections, and learning new things. There is just so much to take in in a day, let alone in years. I will never be lonely being by myself, I and me. There are always things, people, animals, subjects to photograph. These are files that can be forward electronically to whomever wants to purchase or use them. Same with videos. And these can be intermingled with travel, a lot to do in life. And, yes, I have kept up with technology.       

The kids all did very well in school. I picked them up every day, went to their parents teachers conferences, went with them to their doctors and dental appointments, brought craft suppliers with as they were always need in school projects . . . we had so much fun doing these things. One thing I have to say about Buddy, he doggedly paid for their braces, he had to. In lighter times, I asked Buddy if they have investment plans at all in their company - he said: "Why should I get life insurance? I can't be able to enjoy it. And why should I get life insurance for these kids? They will have to fight it out on their own!"

You're right, Buddy, your parents never did that for you so you will not do that for your kids either. Please pass the bitter melons!  

1996 In Milwaukee, he purchased a lot of merchandise just because he was approached by a prominent retailer. Turned around and shoved all the stuff he bought and told me to sell it to my friends. I work seven days week. Why doesn't he sell it himself? I will have nothing to do with that. There was a total absence of humility when he bought all the merchandise  and a perfect example of pretending to like what he bought in order to impress the seller. He is steeped in century-old smell. A throwback to events with Kuhar, remember?  

This year Ianus graduated from college. His graphic arts degree was hard earned as everyone knows who graduated from the university. I am going to help you, Ianus, so that you will be in the correct path of life. I have to see Mindy and Stefano with their life goals, too.

For the first time, since we came to the United States, Buddy stated he wants to go the Philippines. So, do we have money? I helped him pack his luggage and gave him some pesos which I had left from my trip in 1986. His bags were packed with souvenirs for his brothers and sisters. I say brothers first because that seems to be the order of importance he put in his shopping. I sent bags for his sisters, watches for his brothers, and chocolates for the children. 

I know he was not able to buy everyone something. I initially asked him how much cash he was going to bring with him. $500. It ended up being $1,000; I saw the receipts of withdrawal. When he came home I talked with him about the countless credit card charges he made. He will have to pay for all of that. Do you feel good doing that, Buddy?  I don't know, was all he said. Then a long empty stare. 'Commit the act then just suffer the consequences' was the norm in their family!

1997 My father was admitted to the hospital for cancer of the rectum in late 1997. I have told Buddy everything about my father's condition and he knew we, my mother, brothers and sisters-in-law, were putting several hours of our time to be with Mom and Dad. I also took time off from work and stayed with my mother the whole time for comfort and moral support since my father's surgery lasted 10 hours. My brother and his wife took over after work so I could sleep. 

Buddy, at this time, came home by plane from California for an interview. He called from the airport to ask me to 'come and pick me up, park then look for me in the terminal.' Say that again, please? Wouldn't it make more sense to come out of the terminal and wait by the curb because it would mean time and effort as compared to picking someone by the curb! By the way, he had a connecting flight that he chose to miss "because a car is faster." W-h-a-t did I marry!   

I learned from that experience that I am no longer young that I can spring into action at his beck and call. I almost fell asleep at the wheels and it disrupted our shifting schedule. He could very have taken a cab back home that way he would not compromise my time and my well-being! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Where's your empathy hat?

1998 Our fights had caused me sleepless nights (I was wary there would be knocks on the door and the kids could hear yelling.) in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping since 1995. Why I am I staying in this marriage? I was, and still am, of the opinion that a man and a woman stay together for better or for worse. I forget that he was steeped in a subculture that regarded marriage as playing house. But he, someone with a PhD? Aren't they supposed to be scholarly men in all aspects of their personality? Maybe I am taking on the thinking hat of old. 

That room had been my refuge every time we would have an argument. I can never forget, when I used to sleep in our bedroom, that he asked me one night to get out of our bed and go downstairs because he had to open a spreadsheet for work. That incident had stuck in my brain after I confronted him about why a husband asks a wife to get out of the marital bed just because he needed space to read something related to work. We had so much space in the house, dwarfing our king-size bed, where he could spread out whatever he needed lengthwise and crosswise.  He never corrected or explained himself regarding that action of his. Still I accommodated his usual conjugal requests. My stay outside of our bedroom would become permanent. 

On April, I had been diagnosed with a mini-stroke. I was getting sicklier and sicklier and preferred to stay in my bedroom, the guest bedroom. He would knock on my door and asked that I come with him. Where we always went was McDonald's where I would get an ice cream cone and grab the day's newspaper and read. He would read and there was really no good conversation between us. This went on for whole year. I would have wanted to go to Hawaii or Chicago or to a movie or most of all to Europe.

The last time we went out as a couple was to Lake Tahoe to his friend's house. He was cold as the pictures would show it. I noticed that he even "slipped" to sleep with the comforters on the carpeted floor. He was just freaking c-o-l-d!  

He had been very secretive about his whereabouts and what-about-are-you-doing-these-days. Then I found out he accepted a job out of the country and asked that I mail a lot of boxes for him. He even requested that I send him brown hair color (he had jet black hair) and buy him a winter coat. Yes, to everything. Good thing you are planning on getting far away. Was he getting ready to be work away because he noticed that I was getting sicklier and sicklier? Did he want to be away from the questions in my mind that he knew sounded louder if unspoken? Did he want to be away because I had so many inquiries about the "Latoya" and "Mimi" files, raincoats, "tulo" and "night jobs"?  Okay, so maybe this is a good thing that he has a change of scenery.  

1999 Medical care, as he had mentioned, was very reasonable in Malaysia. He had medical insurance so he had his root canal and repair of his hiatal hernia done. He even invited me to have my MRI done there. Bingo! Why can't he have his "raincoat" removed? In my mind, no one knows him there yet if that is what he is embarrassed about. I asked him: Why don't you have your "raincoat" removed there? It is an outpatient procedure." His thunderous response: "Don't ridicule me, don't even embarrass me!" For being a well read person, someone with a PhD and someone whom I thought had the breadth and depth of knowledge, that was a hair-raising thing to say! I did not have the slightest inkling he would be offended. He may have been harboring the meme in him all this time.

This is going to be the first time I literally make mention of this toxic marriage. His lack of respect, none. He made decisions all by himself. His not putting in any effort - all this time have I asked to go for professional help. Playing the blame game seems to be the reason of choice when he would berate me. And, oh, how I dreaded intimacy; I pray for guidance when thinking of this kind of life. Being married to him was no longer the centerpiece of our union. Even without him talking, I felt so controlled by him. He was so unwilling to adapt; I saw it with my own two eyes.

I normally don't make rash decisions; this is one of those times. Emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse—emotional abuse is unacceptable, whether it is to my mother-in-law, to Serita or to me. In their family dynamics, the idea of problem-solving, active listening, peaceful agreements and conversations never came into play. My mother-in-law chose to swallow the abuse she sustained from E's hands. It, apparently, manifested itself by how she coped with it by behaving as a lesser person which she had modeled to her children, and which her children, in return behaved erratically, this case, Buddy. Again, painfully pitiful! We, women sometimes disregard our inner knowing for too long, hoping against hope for a miracle.

Awareness . . . awareness . . . awareness . . . many eyes, ears, minds, and hearts have you!

2000 My father advised me well. In June, my divorce lawyer, to whom I shall refer to as Dawn, was quick. Her staff were at the ready. She sent him the petition. When the courier entered our house, Buddy looked like he was stunned. Stunned because he did not think I would file? Stunned because he did not know I would spend that much money and file from my end? Stunned because of the enormity of it all?  Just plain stunned.

He came to at Mindy's graduation. Body language in the pictures talk much. My house was filled with my brother, my parents, plus my nephew and his wife. My parents and brother preferred to stay with me because they knew Buddy was going back to my house to review the divorce petition. He was going to give his side a final review of what he would leave with me. I was just too glad to have him out of the house!

At this time Ianus and Stefano felt so good. They did not cry but rejoiced at the fact that the monster was finally out. We restructured -- financial and physical -- our lives immediately. I sought the help of a very competent adviser so that we could put our financial house in order the way I wanted to have it done had Buddy not blocked me.  

2001 I asked my two boys to bring all his things out in boxes which spanned the 50-foot length of our porch. The boxes were out in the porch for a good close to a month. My friends and our neighbors asked me what it was all about. They knew and said, "Good, that was what we were waiting for all this while!" My neighbors silently knew about it and even asked, "He looks sick, what's the matter with him?" I later learned from my lawyer and her staff he was not exactly polite when he came to their office.

He attempted to enter the house but my lawyer advised he may not lay a single step in the premises. Dawn wrote an order that stated he may not step foot in any portion of the property. The dumpster he rented could not even be parked in my driveway so he had it parked in the street. There was a police officer all the time that he carried his boxes to the dumpster by himself. He must have felt shame and embarrassment for the four to five hours he carried those boxes in broad daylight in front of all our neighbors, with a policeman in a patrol car watching his every move. I know he had surgery done on his inguinal hernia two years ago so he was slow with his steps. Back and forth . . . back forth. . .  carrying the boxes by himself.  (Well, I carried 29 boxes of his books to the trash by myself in our old house in the cold winter and I never heard him say "thank you" for it! That's where I unearthed all the letters from his father, mother, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts asking for money.)

And when a fallen man does what he did that day, despite his triumphs in the other parts of his life, he went to his hotel room after all the sweat, took off his baseball cap to reveal a bald head, that would have been otherwise cherished and lovingly kissed by his children. Also that day, after he threw all the boxes away, which still had new items, instead of bringing them with him back to another part of the world, he packed all of his things in a small carry-on bag and thought, I am leaving everything behind in this sleepy town. There is something that will always remain a lump in his throat. . . .    

After my divorce was finalized, this year my parents sent me to Paris for a breather.  They felt I should not have to ask a man if I could go on a trip. They stayed at my house watching over the kids. Even my friends came and congratulated me, promising they will check in on my parents and kids while I am away on tour. 
 
2002  Mindy emailed him to ask for additional school funds. She thought he would have funds by now that his books, which Ianus helped him put together, are selling. Apparently not, the Malaysian University in which Buddy is teaching has suffered cutbacks in pay. Really?  Are we having a playback of old tracks of tape? Are we having this end of Buddy's giving hand? Ianus states he will not have anything to do with Buddy. Stefano says he would not even talk to him. 

This year my parents again paid for my return trip to Italy. Barb was a very wholesome travel mate. I know what my Dad is thinking but deep in his heart he silently groans with pain inside that even he could not protect me from myself. Gus' daughter was her own worst enemy!

2003  Ianus stated he wanted Buddy to pay him for all the work he did in the business. graphics work, mail room. collating, printing, sorting. Stefano did mail room, collating, sorting. Ianus, you will have to learn that you will not get anything from your father. It is like pulling teeth asking him to pay you for all your work. Ianus' time card with Writing Pen, LLC, said it all. 

Buddy continues to pay support for me and Stefano; I also kept the house which I have taken care of so the kids and I will have somewhere to call home. He did not want to allow me to use our money, now the government is telling him to through an unlimited maintenance provision of our divorce decree. What a pity, Buddy, did no one ever tell you to treasure your wife and kids and turn away from myths of yore? Didn't you listen to the nudgings of the Spirit to seek and ye shall find? He had been knocking all this while. Didn't it occur to you that the human body is the temple of the Most High and no one ever defiles it?  Now I have the American courts backing me for the whole amount for the length of Buddy's life.
 
2004 I saw Greece and Turkey this year with Sue from North Carolina. We have been traveling buddies before so she knows about my life. I saw Corinth where St. Paul walked the earth, Patmos where St. John worked on the Revelations and, most of all, the house of Mary in Ephesus where no Buddy gave her problems. Her house was high up on the hills where she could see the blue of the Mediterranean and no relatives of Buddy's to bother her.

I also saw the shores of Portugal, the cities of Spain and Andorre which I would not have seen had Buddy been around. He has been my stepping stone to these magnificent places. 

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Epilogue

After every nursing home survey we had, Mr. Rosenberg always met with us to discuss our victories, missteps, how we could have done better - a postmortem, he would say.  So I ask myself: What have you learned, Sylvanna? I found out that the divorce process is a very lengthy, emotionally involved procedure which I financially, physically, socially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and intellectually hurdled from start to finish by myself.. My friends cajoled me into thinking another marriage. I don't think so, not in the near or distant future. Not that easy, folks.

I have been married; I prefer staying single! There is just a feeling of serenity being and knowing myself and existing with my Creator. It is an unexplainable feeling of contentment of being in a state of not wanting anything, not needing anything. Seeing myself in full circle, I will continue to have men and women friends the same way I have had them when I was single. The Lord says in Proverbs 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." You have to be in that state of mind to understand that feeling. He is God. Everything and anything flows from there . . . good . . . peaceful . .  serene . . . no pain . . . no fear. . .joyful  His grace is sufficient !

I will continue with maintaining my house, my yards, my lights, etc...and my relationships. I want lights, tons of light, which gives me energy to do the things I have always wanted to do even at night. I will also continue to travel, my life's passion, either alone or with a friend or with a group. Writing my books is an ongoing event in my life, maintaining my web sites and myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially and intellectually. My interests have widened and deepened, my choices in men have changed, my tastes in food have grown richer, some things change and some things have remained the same. I know very well my choice in music, or color of car or angle of design; I can also grasp concepts more quickly and apply them more readily. 

There is no more indecisiveness or doubt. In other words, I am so happy with my full capabilities and the vantage point at which I can see things. I am just older, more seasoned in the ways of life. I now know where to go and what to do when the wind blows hard.  

Motherhood never ceases. Continue is the word, but doing smartly brings one to a place of restoration. Yes, I will continue to be a guide for my children in all areas of their lives. I may still make mistakes but not the same ones I did in the past for which I resolutely apologize. I know which kid is temperamental and which one can be talked to. One thing I am so proud of is I can say to anyone of them, "I raised you well." 

What did I do wrong by my children? I've raised my voice to them in more than one occasion. What did I do right? I have never been physical with anyone of them. Everyday, I taught them the basics of handling and investing money, budgeting and knowing what is a smart purchase, recognizing a shady deal and avoiding it, what to avoid in relationships and recognizing the signs of a downturn.

How has my faith been strengthened and what parts of me have been made sturdier? What are the dynamics to look out for in a person if you are to be engaged to be married or be friends? Did I do right by divorcing the nick of dust called Buddy? You betcha.  

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